I don’t know. That is where it all starts—not knowing. Our journey to healing starts with not knowing.
My legs were sore this week. I woke up last weekend stiff, sore and in pain. I couldn’t stand up easily. It hurt to move. It is scary when the body feels like it is breaking down and the cause is unknown. Usually in the past when I had body pain, I’ve had some ideas of what caused it— too much exercise, straining the muscles in a particular movement, some random quick action that undo things. But here I had no idea, which seemed to make it worse.
I didn’t know what I did, but I did know what to do about it. I sat silently and felt my body: I moved my body with qigong. Got a little better. Got a little worse, got a little better. Slowly. Finally my daughter gave me these small balls, “Miracle Balls,” to roll your body on and I heard some part of me say, “yes.” My body knew what it needed. These would work.
And in fact I made major improvements over the next few days. We have an intuitive knowing about what we need and as I did the exercises I was able to feel my body more, and my body remembered another exercise—a bioenergetic breathing exercise, a version of the pelvic tilt. In this exercise, you push your buttocks down to the floor as you breathe in and then raise the buttocks up as you breathe out. The back will arch upward as you breathe in and go flat as you breathe out. And the area loosened up even more.
So when our body is sick or injured, we have a mind of healing that can speak to us about what we need to do to heal. We start by not knowing, by listening and then it starts to speak. We all have this inner knowing. I went to a conference many years ago put on by True North, a holistic health center near me. One of the films was about doctors not listening to their patients; the statistic is doctors listen for only 17 seconds, 23 seconds for women doctors. The film went on to document about how the several patients in the film all had some intuitive knowing about what was wrong with them, if the doctor had listened a little further.
When I trained in hypnosis, my trainer often made the point that the solution to each person’s problem is inside them, there is a piece of knowledge, an experience, that can be deepened and widened to help them solve whatever problem they are facing. We often don’t trust ourselves. In teaching, the socratic method in essence says the student knows the answer and it can be drawn out of them. In zen, buddha nature means that the awake and enlightened mind is already there to be brought forth.
Sometimes one follows a path moment to moment, around this bend in the woods, and the next bend. Where is it going? Much like a journal or blog or working on a piece of art. Part of the joy of a journal or a blog is finding out where it will go and trusting that it will go where it needs to go. [When I started this blog I had a general idea of where I wanted to go teaching meditation and movement and energy through movement. The idea of silence came up, and listening to, dancing with the silence. Likewise, when following a path of healing–listening to the silence, one finds the mind of healing.
When I was hurt this week, I thought about the mind of healing, something I wrote about many years ago after surgery on my left hip–
“The other day I was lying in bed, just staring out the window, resting quietly as I watched branches whip the sky blue. It seemed like I had just fallen, naturally, easily, into this quiet meditative space. Then I remembered the drugs—some mild opiate painkiller——oh yes, it must be the opiates.
“But the next day, I was back that meditative space, without the drugs, and yes, I remembered I had been drifting into this place somewhat regularly, lying in bed in the afternoon, watching the sunlight stream into the bedroom in the morning. Just content to stare out the window, just content to lie here and heal. “
It struck me at that time that this is the mind of healing. The head could medicalize it by talking about endorphins arising naturally when one is injured, but to keep it simple let’s say the body responds with the mind of healing. And it will come up naturally if we will let it and keep the head out of the way. And it is available to us in those times when lying around is what is best and most needed for us to do because we need to heal, and don’t have energy for much else.
As I recalled this, I remembered another time. I was sitting a 10 day vipassana retreat and one day I settled effortlessly, it seemed, into a quiet peaceful space where I was just present with everything around, feeling my breathing, aware of sitting there, the small noises and movements in the room, but without working at it. I discussed this with U Silandanda, a Burmese monk leading the retreat. I told him about the experience, and he talked about how that spontaneously happens. As I remember, he talked about how we drift in and out of different states of awareness without effort, and to describe this he used the term, “grace.”
The mind of healing is available all of the time for what comes up for us, if we allow ourselves to not know, to put our busy mind at rest. We can rest our mind in silence and let our body find it’s way.